So I’m oot hittin’ the clubs with ma besto Tammy. We’re at the Rusty Nail cause the music’s gid and the lads dinnae try and touch us up but anyways, a see this woman in the middle of the dance floor. I mean, I can admire a lassie’s good looks and aw that but this yin was like WOWZA.
I couldnae take ma eyes aff her. Her big knockers were shoved into this sparkly dress, lookin’ like a pair’a disco balls. And by god she couldnae half dance. I WANT her, like I’ve never wanted a woman in aw ma life. But naw! I shouldnae WANT her, I’m a straight woman, with a straight boyfriend. I cannae be into girls, can I? It’s the drink. It hus tae be the drink. Why do I feel like I want to flirt wae her, dance aw saucy wae her, snog her? I’ve never gone aw lesbian when I’m pished. It must be the Midoori.
“D’ye want a drink, Molly-hen?” Tammy asks me.
I yell something like, “Geez another Midoori and lemonade” as I walk up tae the hottie oan the dancefloor.
I dance up tae her, compliment her oan her amazing hair when she turns around to face me. She’s a man! And no jist any man, MY MAN, Gaz. Gaz? And he’s wearin’ his sister’s dress an aw. Is he… naw, he canny be. He canny be… gay can he? He told me he was gonna stay at hame and look after the dug. Who’s lookin’ after me dug if he’s here? And he has the cheek to be here, and use ma makeup, and drinkin’ some poofy wee Cosmopolitan? I could punch him.
“It’s… it’s no what it looks like.” Whimpers Gaz
“Whit the fuck are you dae’in here?”
Then another ladyboy pipes up. His pal Derek. “Haha, that’s ma fault hen. It’s a charity night tonight. Tranny tea party, you know for cancer and that? He couldnae say no!”
I turn to Gaz. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was embarrassed. Come on you would have thought I was a… you know, poofter.”
I look back at Gaz. “I didn’t think that when I saw you. I thought you were an actual…”
“You thought I was an actual what?”
“You were a…”
Then up comes Tammy wae ma Midoori and lemonade. She yells, “Whit are you daein here Gaz?”
I look at Gaz. Gaz looks at me. We burst oot laughin’.